I’m a pretty busy lady. I have work commitments (I work from home), masses of business and household paperwork to do for a couple of other people and am involved in two clubs that take a fair slice of my time. With a lot happening and nearly no down time, it’s rather strange that I feel like I am in a season where I am very much waiting on the sidelines.

Because of circumstance, it’s not possible to travel, so there is a definite feeling of not being able to do everything we desire in that respect. Of course, some small amount of travel – for example, to the next town – is possible – but only within time constraints and after making arrangements for others to shoulder my responsibilities for a day.

In recent years I have lived my life by what I couldn’t do rather than what I could. However, for three years of that time I had my diet perfectly under control. And last year I threw it all away and gradually slid down a slope that started gently and has become increasingly steeper.  As  I whiz down the hillside, I collect all the milestones that I so diligently and slowly accomplished on the way up – the wine, the chocolate, other confectionery, the bakery treats … even bread and butter.

It gives me no pleasure to do so, for I know I am going against my own wishes. Okay, it gives me some pleasure. The first piece of chocolate, the first bite of butter-slathered bread are deliciously guilty pleasures.

The thing that I have found is that when I have my diet right, it is so easy to do the right thing, and a small deviation doesn’t derail me. But to put the train back on the rails once it is off, that’s a major exercise that requires a massive effort, sacrifice and short-term pain. In those couple of weeks where the blood sugar levels are levelling out, the body is fighting against the mind so there’s a lot of willpower required to get through the time.

So here I am in this season where we can’t go travelling as we wish and are very much constrained to home – at least, I am. This is the perfect time to be on a good food plan – to get the diet sorted for life. I have an arsenal of information, all the knowledge I require to do it and I’ve done it before so I know it’s possible. What is lacking, then?

It’s not simply a case of ‘just start’. I can start multiple times a week and fall over within half a day. I think there’s a burning desire – or at the very least a switch that needs to be flipped – that is not in evidence in my life. I have the idea that I want to do it, but the heart is not there. It’s as though the energy required has been channelled elsewhere and is simply not available.

So I am on the sidelines, waiting for the sign to dive right back in. The best I can do is be ready – kitted up and warmed up, so that when my name is called, I can run onto the field and play the game the way that, in my heart, I want to.