Most of us see “What is” as the start of a question. But lately it has shown itself to be a statement of fact and therefore the start of a letting go process for me.
Over the decades I have invested huge amounts of energy fighting against “what is” in all its incarnations. I have railed against it; I have shouted, cried, whinged and whined. I have let it affect my mood, my attitude, my actions. I have also wished during those years that I could change myself—my attitudes, my responses. I have tried in ways that I now think of as being from the outside in. But perhaps there is another way—an internal way—that once accomplished will affect my responses without much further effort on my part.
Some of the thoughts that I have wasted my precious energy on, day after day, are like these: I should be more tolerant. He could pick up after himself. She should appreciate me more. They should do more to help. The world should be a safer place.
I have found two things that are helping me at the moment. One is the idea of business. Whose business is this? If it’s something to do with ‘out there’, it’s God’s business. If it has to do with my partner, my mother, my colleague, or any other person in the world, it’s their business individually. Only when it concerns me and me alone is it my business.
So now the only ‘should’ I need to consider is my own. Letting myself stay out of other people’s business is giving me so much more free mental time that I often actually ‘hear’ what I am thinking—and the ‘should’ word has started to stand out like a neon light. Discovering how thoughts can circle and circle around a topic like carrion waiting to land is fascinating and empowering. Empowering because once I realise what I am thinking it is almost effortlessly morphing into a case of I do … or I do not. This applies to subjects big and small. I donate money towards starving people and third world country start-ups instead of saying that someone should do something. I pick up the clothes on the floor instead of criticising others for not doing it. I tidy up after them because I am the one who wants the tidy house, not them. Or I do not, and I am okay with that too.
This is so liberating when it comes to how I think about other people. They are who they are and they do what they do. They shouldn’t be anyone else or do anything else. It is also working for myself. I don’t have so many thoughts along the lines of, I should be more understanding, patient, tolerant or I should be less intense, judgemental, critical. Those parts of my personality are very much dictated by how I perceive the other person or event. Once I stop trying to be the puppeteer—the strings I have been unhappily yanking at haven’t given me the desired result anyway!—those parts of my personality lose much of their negativity. I now find myself, when I am experiencing these thoughts, starting to think more about what is underneath them—and so far it has always been that it is me thinking that someone or something else should be different. As I have more clarity about this—as I see it earlier and earlier in my thought processes—the whole problem of not being understanding enough, patient enough, tolerant enough; pretty much fades away. As I invest less personality to my thoughts, I am unexpectedly happier.
Instead of fighting with ‘what is’, I am more and more simply seeing it. Once identified as something out of my realm, I can relax. If it’s something to do with me, I can roll up my sleeves and get to work.
Credit:
With thanks to Byron Katie and her book “Loving What Is” or making me think about ‘what is’ in a totally different way.